E-Memoirs

Recovery

So much comes to mind with this word. My absence from this blog has a lot to do with recovery. In many ways, I am recovered. In many others, I am recovering.

In the most literal translation, recovery brings to mind ‘getting over it’. The actual definition describes recovery as a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength. I don’t know about you, but I don’t know who determines what ‘normal’ is so perhaps recovery in the literal sense is unattainable. That’s a little too deep for my purposes here so I’ll let that go. Let’s explore the different situations that recovery can be applied in our lives:

Maybe one is recovering or recovered from surgery. As a surgeon, I see this every day in my work life. As anyone that knows me is aware, I have recovered from 2 surgeries in the past 4 months and am doing very well from that standpoint. Post mastectomy life is business as usual with the exception of the absence of sensation from your neck to your navel. Many have heard me say I cannot go to bars with dart boards as one errant dart could shut me down and I’d never know it. On the up side, bras are SOooo last season for me because these perky little twins are right where they belong. It’s easy for me to kid about it since I’m cured. I’m stage 0 with no plans for any further surgery on the horizon…that sounds like recovered to me. In retrospect, that recovery was a piece of cake. It’s all that cake (and the champagne and tater tots, of course) that transitions me to the next interpretation of the word…

I have approached fitness sporadically my entire life. I will embark on a fitness plan, diet and exercise, and hit it 400%. After about 2 days of that, I generally cannot walk without a limp. You must hydrate after a workout but the when the terror of sitting down to tinkle because it means you have to stand back up eventually precludes you from doing so….not good. All or none has been my mantra my entire life and this is evidenced in situations like this. Recovery means Aleve, water and time in this case. Once recovered, I return to it in one form or another. I am trying to teach myself moderation. After 47 years, it is a slow process but at least I am trying.

Recovery is very often from a mental or emotional situation. I do not know anyone that has not endured grief, strife, despair in their lives. I am somehow soothed by the reality that without sadness there can be no happiness. If you did not know despair, how could you truly embrace joy? The thing about recovery in a situation like this is that I do not believe it is ever a complete transition. You can recover from trauma and find the capacity to move through the world naturally once again, even be truly happy, but scars remain. That’s OK; scars are part of life, both real and figurative.

Perhaps recovery means from addiction of some kind. This is so prevalent in our world; it would be unusual for someone to not have someone in their lives touched by some type of addiction. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, smoking….regretfully, I am addicted to Amazon Prime. There is not a 12 step program to help me here but I am trying to keep it in perspective. When recovery is applied to situations like this, it is one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, but can absolutely be attained.

My world has been rather crazy for the past several years but more so the past 4 months. The greatest despair, grief in my life was the loss of my beloved mother almost 8 years ago. I acknowledge that loss is part of life but sometimes, when you’re not yet ready for reality…in losing my mother I was NEVER going to be ready for reality…it completely knocks the life out of you. I believe that I have recovered on many levels from her loss in the sense that I can laugh when telling stories about her, look for hours at pictures of her, hold her belongings peacefully and think of her.

We all have stories in our past that color our present. My way has always been duck and run. I am not proud of that. I am often a little delusional that the world can be butterflies, unicorns and rainbows and can’t we all just get along? That is not reality. It has taken a series of events in my life to realize that my inability to process anything that I find ‘unsavory’ is not effective. What I have been missing for longer than I can even remember, indeed perhaps never even had in the first place, is faith.

That is hard to acknowledge but very true. I long for faith. When I was losing my mother, I relied on many around me that I knew had a strong faith to help me endure. Pray with me, pray for her, I would beg. And they did…never any question when you ask for someone to pray that they do. I always marveled at the inner peace and calm that those individuals maintained without ever faltering. Prayer with them always made me feel calmer soothed. What is interesting in retrospect with some realizations I have recently made was why was I looking to others for their faith? Why couldn’t I pray for calm and peace for myself, my beloved mother, my family, my friends on my own?

In my practice, it is not at all uncommon for patients and their families to wish to pray together before surgery. I have always wondered who in the world would deny someone that? Yes, for heaven’s sake, please let’s pray. I don’t know how many times every single day you read a request on Facebook to pray for someone and their family. What do you do? You share the post and pray. I will ‘like’ a post as if to acknowledge I am doing what you ask but admit here that I may or may not have actually said a prayer. That’s cheating and that’s not OK and that is no more.

So if I have indeed been longing for faith, what was I waiting for? My little light bulb had to go off for me to realize that you can say you’re a good person all day long, you can believe you are doing good things in this world, you can make people laugh and do whatever it takes to disguise the angst that might be your reality within but until you calm those waters through building and strengthening of your own faith, you are never going to win the battle. My interpretation of faith is that it’s all going to be OK because it is, in fact, all going to be OK. Perhaps the means of getting to a specific endpoint is not what I might have imagined and every moment in time might not be completely delightful but I realize that pretending that every moment in time is going to be completely delightful is completely out of touch with reality. The peace and calm of resting in the knowledge that God will protect me and those that I love has given me a sense of calm that I have never previously known.

I am a work in progress. Faith has to be learned, practiced and strengthened. I am actively trying, learning. You might say I am in recovery mode. It feels really, really good. Please pray for me to continue to grow and learn. I welcome that more than I could articulate.

I have already said my prayers this morning for God to protect my family, my friends, my decisions, my patients…and also my patience. I might also be praying that I can stay away from Amazon Prime today. No promises but I’ll try…

Here’s up to it!